Confessions of an infertile.

I’m a big planner.. I planned my wedding before I was even engaged, I planned my decor before we settled on our house and I am planning this baby before he/she is even conceived.

Every month I’m hopeful it will be our month, a few days after my period shows up and I’ve packed away the pity party I’ve been having and wiped the chocolate off my face, I look up my EDD, I plan where in the university year it will fall and what weeks I’ll have to take off.

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Being a midwife I know all to much the reality that 1 in 4 pregnancy will not make it and I so hope that when I see those 2 pink lines and my beta is confirmed that I will not be that one.

As the month goes on I begin on Pinterest searching babies and kids, pinning my heart out. I almost compulsively look for strollers while I’m out and google the brands I like the look of.

I have names picked out 4 boys and 4 girls names, sometimes others get added to the list sometimes others get deleted cause someone else uses it or I get a run of them on the ward. I don’t want my baby being one of many in his/her class with the same name. I was and it annoyed me to no end.

I’m trying to decide if I want to find out the sex or if I still want to wait for the surprise. When we started trying it was all about the surprise. But now I’m getting to the point where I just want to know just want something within my control seeing as the infertility roller coaster I’m on is completely out of my control. I lost control of that situation when I signed the consent forms for assisted reproduction.

I recently created an online baby registry during my last TWT (two week torture) I still can’t decide if it helped me or if it was just self destructive. I think I’m sitting on the side of helpful cause I like to plan and it gives me an outlet to plan. That’s why I like Pinterest as well I can plan..

I know what kind of baby shower I want to have, a couples shower with all of my family and friends celebrating with us. Celebrating all of the hard work it took us to make the little human that will change our lives.

I’ve even already decided where I’d like to give birth. At home, with my husband and my midwife, potentially some family and hopefully a birth photographer, I want to document every moment as I welcome my baby into the world.

Hopefully this month all my planning will be put to good use as I begin to grow a little person.

xoxo jess

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2 thoughts on “Confessions of an infertile.

  1. I admire that you are still planning and hoping. I stopped letting myself do any of that, maybe a year ago. For me it seems to painful, but then I’m constantly wanting to and preventing myself so maybe I should just give in and let myself again. I’m planning a homebirth too. I planned and researched that to the last detail some time ago.

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