I wonder what it would be like to wake up one morning on a normal day and have that thought deep down that you may be pregnant. You think back to your last period and realise it was about six weeks ago, you notice your boobs are sore and your feeling nauseous. You head to the chemist after work and buy the digital pregnancy test. You don’t have to worry about how much the test costs its the only one you will need. You haven’t brought box after box of tests every month for the last year or your not saving the special digital test for after the positive blood test just so you can see it in writing.
You arrive back home and head into the bathroom to do your test, you don’t think about that its not the first morning urine. You just pee on that stick and minutes later its there in writing ‘Pregnant 3+’. Your so happy, you and you husband weren’t even really trying yet, you’d only just come off birth control. You know you have time before hubby gets homes so you head back to the shop to buy a little pair of booties to surprise him with. You wrap the booties and the positive test in a little box and have it sitting waiting for your man to get home.
Hubby gets home and you shove his surprise gift under his nose. He gives you a funny look but opens it without question. As soon as he sees those words ‘Pregnant 3+’ his face spreads into the biggest grin you have ever seen. You hug and cry happy tears. What a wonderful surprise. You walk about for the next few months with a smile permanently stuck to your face even through the nausea.
When you reach the 2nd trimester you invite the family over and make the announcement. Everybody is so happy for you, there is laughter, more happy tears and the odd ‘we didn’t know you were trying’ comment. The remainder of your pregnancy flies by in a haze of joy and love. The first time your husband feels baby kick, finding out the gender, birth classes, antenatal appointments, normal life. Oh how lovely it would be to just fall pregnant and have a healthy baby in your arms 9 months later.
Im so worried that this journey of infertility has changed me and will make me experience my pregnancy differently. My training makes me worry about miscarriage and still birth, but Im worried infertility will not allow me joy until I’m holding my baby is in my arms. Will I worry as I wait for each milestone, first, second, third Beta test watching for the rise, viability scan, first trimester screen, anatomy scan, full term then birth. Will I forever be affected by the difficultly that was our journey to our miracle baby. It is already changing my opinion on finding out the gender, I want to know now to gain back some control.
Im sick of symptom spotting and being cautiously optimistic. I want simple joy. Will I be able to have the 3 children we wanted or will we not even get one? Will A begin to resent me because I’m broken and cant give him a family? Will I continue to struggle with the pain of endometriosis every month as a literal punch in the gut to deepen the sting that I’m still not pregnant.
It will be 2 year in 8 days.