How to proceed

A and I have been having very long discussions about how we are to proceed. We are both feeling like we are stuck, wanting to move forward but not sure which path to take. We are both really young in the IF game I’m only 24 and A is only 27, but I’m not sure if being young will help or hinder us. I don’t want to become falsely secure that we have time when we may not. We have been shifting a lot of our plans onto the back burner as we keep thinking that this month will be the month we conceive our miracle but unfortunately it just doesn’t happen.

As I come closer to graduation I have to make some very big decisions, I have to decide whether I apply for a local grad program or look into regional programs. If I stay local I can continue with our FS and look into IVF. If I choose regional I am putting off further treatment indefinitely. I don’t want to move away from the city only to turn around and move back 12months later. If we move it will be for a minimum of 3 years I’d say. Which will put me in my 30’s. I wanted to have finished family by then not be barely starting. If it’s hard now in my 20’s won’t it only be harder in my 30’s.

But I don’t want to look back on this all and see everything I’ve pushed aside and regret not doing anything because I have put all of my time, energy and finances into trying to have a baby. Only for it not to have worked and I have nothing to show for it but a broken heart and a big pile of debt. But then on the exact opposite what if it doesn’t take years what if all we need is one round of IVF, where do we draw the line. I know we can continue as we are, living our lives whilst still having unprotected intercourse. But I have endometriosis which means every failed month I have to suffer through the pain. Whilst I was taking OCP’s I didn’t have period pain.

I can’t see my life without children. I’m sure A and I would be happy, we have lots of hobbies that keep us happy. But I’m not there yet. I don’t want to be. I want to plan my babies nursery, I want to raise my child into an amazing adult, I want to watch them graduate, meet the love of their life, get married and have their own family. Why does it have to be so hard, this fundamental act of procreation that my body was designed to do. I just want it to work.


One thought on “How to proceed

  1. ahh, what a hard crossroad you are at. It’s so hard not being able to predict the future and worry about regret. I’m sorry this is not easier for you, especially being a midwife. As a fellow midwife, I totally understand the desire(not a strong enough word), to take part in what we dedicate our lives to. I have no answers, but I do know this: we make the best decisions based on what we know at the time. You will find whats right for you. wishing you fertile thoughts.

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