Feeling blue

Im feeling blue tonight. Literally 30mins ago I was pretty stoked that I was finally understanding intracranial pressures and stuff and now I’m blue because I remembered my cousins wife is pregnant and Im not.

I wouldn’t wish infertility onto my worst enemy seriously. Though I do wish people could understand how it makes me feel. The longer I go without getting pregnant the more scared I get. I haven’t even had a feeling that maybe I was in over a year. What if all my insides are fucked and it will never happen.

There is a stupid ad on foxtel that mentions weird childless people. How long/how old are u before you fit into that category. What about the people who aren’t childless by choice. Why don’t people automatically think someone may be childless because they have gimpy insides that don’t work rather than they decided to not have kids and that is judged as weird?

Its starting baffle me why people thinks it ok to ask about our genitals. I am guilty of the aforementioned but I’ve realised how fucking rude it is and how it could possibly cause an anxiety reaction in that person. When someone asks me and I’ve yet to categorise them into a know or not know group I get full on racing heart, sweaty palms and facial flushing because I’m on a spot as to whether to say or not and I hate lying to people. What if the woman I ask like us they has been trying and has not yet succeeded and it makes them feel blue late on saturday nights or what if they lost a child.

Brain dump… sorry

Head in uterus

Turns out I have spent too much of this semester with my head in my uterus. Im trying to study for my exams and I just cant understand the concepts that I’m meant to know. I wish my stupid uterus would co-operate and give me what I want instead of sucking all of my focus for no gain…

Im dipping back into the bitter and barren head space again. I thought I had got out of it but turns out it was just hiding, waiting for me to get really stressed out before it reared itself again. Now Im trying to move on, but I don’t want to move on and A has pretty much moved on or at least he is talking like he has. The only thing I have to look forward to is my international midwifery placement next year.

I’ve just read back through this post and its a mess, it reflects my brain at the moment.

Untitled

A beautiful poem posted by one of the ladies on the message board I frequent..

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that’s ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Kick his kid a football.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we’ll hold.