Jinx

I am now 4 days late and in the past when I have been late for my period I have done a few things ( jinxs ) that have almost immediately resulted in AF starting. 

1. Tell someone my period is late

Every time I have mentioned I’m waiting for my period to show to anyone whether it’s A or a friend guaranteed it will arrive that night. I told Alex on Thursday and still nothing. 

2. Have sex 

This is another one of my jinxs if my period is late and we have sex AF will arrive within hrs. To the point where I actually have avoided sex for fear of being let down again. After my IUI’s I avoided sex for the week before my period out of fear. 

3. Take a home pregnancy test

Every HPT I have taken has ended in AF that day if not I’ll wake up with it the day I intend to take the test. So now I’m laying in bed holding my bladder and freaking out about whether or not to take a test. By way of symptoms I don’t have many. Just the lack of flow, odd left sided cramping and minor almost non existant breast tenderness… Most people test multiple times before their even due, I can’t it makes me so sad to see that single line. In the whole 2 years we have been trying I can count the HPT’s I’ve taken on one hand. Watch this space.

Checking in

Prac has me run off my feet at the moment. I always end up mentally drained by the end because I’m constantly learning new things and linking theory to practice. Ugh its exhausting. I cant wait till its second nature and I don’t have to rack my brain for the correct answers. The hospital I’m working in at the moment does things so differently as well, it is my first placement in a private hospital and it is a completely different world to public thats for sure. Its not always good different either.

My period is due tomorrow. I’ve have had much milder PMS this cycle, Im not so stroppy and teary. Ive only had one good cry this time around. I usually get a few PM migraines as well and I only had a mild headache yesterday arvo which was nothing really and it could have just been dehydration because I was in birth suite yesterday and you don’t really get time to drink water. Ive had some mild barely there cramping over the last few days as well. Im booked to see my acupuncturist on thursday morning and I must remember to tell her all of this as its been so much better than the last few months.

I have exams in 4 weeks and I’m freaking out. I’ve been so distracted by the goings on of my uterus this semester that I’ve let a lot of study fall by the wayside. My assessment marks have really reflected this as well. Hopefully I can pull my shit together and scrap through.

I have my FS review for my IUI cycles on Tuesday next week. I don’t know whether to call in sick on prac or try and organise the day off. I haven’t got my roster for that rotation yet and at this rate I will be getting it on the Monday morning when I arrive. So it gives me no time to organise myself at all. Sometimes uni loves to be difficult.

I had the biggest surprise on prac as well this weekend. I helped a women through a tough induction and caught her baby for her, a beautiful little boy 🙂 and when I popped in on my next shift to see how she was getting on she gave me a bottle of Moet champagne as a thank you. I was absolutely shocked at the very unexpected gift. I was so glad that my presence helped her through her and her partner are such lovely people it was a real joy to work with them. It was so nice to hear straight from my patient that she feels I’m going to be a great midwife and she was so thankful to have me there. It had me on cloud 9 all weekend.

Anonymity

I cant decide how anonymous I want this blog to be. Of the people who know me personally only my husband knows I am writing this blog. I have considered sharing it with my close family and friends who know we are trying.

What if I write something that offends them.

Do I want the world to know my deepest darkest thoughts about the shit storm that is infertility and be able to put a face to them.

Do I want people who I know but would never share my feeling with to have access to them all in writing.

I have always been told not to write anything down that I wouldn’t announce to a room full of people I know. How much of what I’ve written would I announce?

I have shared a few identifying facts such as my first name, a few personal photos none of which include me, I think I may have mentioned the city/country in which I live. The internet is a very small place and people are very good at connecting the dots. I worry because this isn’t only my story. This story belongs to my husband and it includes some very personal information that he may not want to publicly share.

I think as time goes on I will be able to make a decision, but for now Im just going to keep going the way I am.

Another announcement

I thought after my big revelation the other day (that I’m still young, I have time and we can delay further treatment until after I’ve finished Uni) that getting announcements would be easier.

A after work yesterday.

A: “I was told something today at work and It doesn’t really affect me but I think I should tell you but I don’t want you to be upset…”
Cue alarm bells to ringing in my brain. Who is pregnant was my instant thought.

Me: “ok… (Insert suspicious face) what is it??”

A: “you know co-worker A, well his wife is 12 weeks, they had their scan today and he announced it at work”
 I think I’m going to vomit at this point.

Me: “ok” tears start to build in my eyes, my throat constricts.

A: “don’t be upset, I’m sorry I know it sucks. I knew they were trying co-worker A told me in Jan they we going to try for a second baby”

Me: “so they fell pregnant their first cycle off the pill” the water work start really flowing now.

It takes me a few minutes but I pull my shit together. I’m trying to be nice so I say, “ok that’s good for them.”

A: “yeah it is but co-worker A was saying he was a bit disappointed it happened so quick because they wouldn’t be covered by their health insurance yet”
Are you fucking kidding me!!!!

Me: (insert sarcastic tone) “Oh how unfortunate for them their insurance won’t cover their Ob. Well our insurance barely covers our fertility treatment.”

Why the fuck are they going private anyway, I’m a midwife if you are low risk, I don’t see the point in paying through the nose for a doctor who will only be there for the last 5min of your labour then send a giant bill. When the hospitals midwife does all the hard work. Even when your high risk you will be referred to the City’s public tertiary maternity hospital anyway.

A: “Jess… Why are you being so mean about it. You should be happy for them. They deserve a baby. You should just suck it up.”

Me: “What don’t we deserve a baby. How can you not get it you of all people should understand why I feel this way! They aren’t my friends they are just people who have what I want, so I hate them for it.”

I don’t think I should have to suck up how I feel. I do that at work I’m not doing it at home. After some further discussion I think A understood where I was coming from. But I was so shocked that he wanted me to suck it up. We haven’t spoken about it yet and I think we have just agreed to disagree.

Damn the fertile people.

Infertile

Infertility is the inability to conceive a child. A couple may be considered infertile if, after two years of regular sexual intercourse, without contraception, the woman has not become pregnant (and there is no other reason, such as breastfeeding or postpartum amenorrhoea). WHO, 2013

According to the world health organization as of the 18th of April I was officially infertile.  I am feeling surprisingly ok about it so far. But ask me again when my next AF arrives and the stabbing cramps return with her.

New supplement regime

I have just started a new supplement regime. It is based on my own research and the information contained in this post should not supplement doctors advise. If you are interested in alternative therapies have a chat with your doctor before making any decisions. 🙂

What I’m taking..

Vitex agnus-chaste. 660mg BD (morning and night) for 1320mg daily

Vitex has the ability to increase the production of progesterone so is useful in treating endometriosis, a condition in which the endometrial tissue normally found within the uterus escapes into the abdominal cavity, causing pain and menstrual difficulties. Because it stimulates growth of the uterine lining, vitex can help reverse infertility. [found here]

Evening primrose oil. 1000mg BD for 2000mg daily

Some studies have shown that it can help reduce PMS symptoms, increase cervical mucous, while reducing inflammation. This is because of its high content of the omega-6 essential fatty acids (EFA’s), Linoleic Acid (LA) and Gamma Linolenic Acid (GLA). [found here]

Magnesium forte. [this brand] 1 tablet daily. 

A deficiency of magnesium has been linked with female infertility. Magnesium supports progesterone production and increases the blood supply to the uterus. It is important for egg production. Some research shows that magnesium, when taken along with selenium, helps lower the risk of miscarriage. [found here]

Pregnancy essentials tabs. [this brand] contains Vit D3 1000iu, Folic acid 400mcg, Iodine 150mcg and Omega 3 DHA 300mg. 1 tablet daily. 

I picked this brand because Im Vit D deficient and folic acid is a no brainer when TTC. Plus it had the added bonus of Iodine and Omega 3. 

Iodine and pregnancy: In the developing fetus, baby or young child, the effects of iodine deficiency are serious. They include stunted growth, diminished intelligence and retardation [found here]

Omega 3 DHA: is useful for inflammation which is a large portion of the problem with endo so why not hey 🙂

I’ll be chatting with my acupuncturist about any other herbs she would recommend as well when I see her next week. Im going to have the most expensive wee in all the land by the end of this all.

Beta day

So today’s beta day and I feel shit about it. I didn’t get my period over the weekend but progesterone supps can delay it. Really wish the nurses had told me that when they gave it to me.

This whole situation is making me feel sick. A is super excited about the whole thing, he feels like it’s Christmas. I’m glad he’s excited cause I can’t get there I’ve been that excited too many times and it’s such a long fall after. I can’t cope with the fall this time so I haven’t climbed that high.

2:30pm is such a long way away.