Jinx

I am now 4 days late and in the past when I have been late for my period I have done a few things ( jinxs ) that have almost immediately resulted in AF starting. 

1. Tell someone my period is late

Every time I have mentioned I’m waiting for my period to show to anyone whether it’s A or a friend guaranteed it will arrive that night. I told Alex on Thursday and still nothing. 

2. Have sex 

This is another one of my jinxs if my period is late and we have sex AF will arrive within hrs. To the point where I actually have avoided sex for fear of being let down again. After my IUI’s I avoided sex for the week before my period out of fear. 

3. Take a home pregnancy test

Every HPT I have taken has ended in AF that day if not I’ll wake up with it the day I intend to take the test. So now I’m laying in bed holding my bladder and freaking out about whether or not to take a test. By way of symptoms I don’t have many. Just the lack of flow, odd left sided cramping and minor almost non existant breast tenderness… Most people test multiple times before their even due, I can’t it makes me so sad to see that single line. In the whole 2 years we have been trying I can count the HPT’s I’ve taken on one hand. Watch this space.

Untitled

A beautiful poem posted by one of the ladies on the message board I frequent..

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that’s ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Kick his kid a football.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we’ll hold.

Unexplained

Woo hoo we have just been labeled with unexplained infertility. $100 to be told that according to their tests nothing was wrong in our IUI cycles it just didn’t happen and seeing as I had surgery and the endo was removed there is no explanation as to why we are not falling pregnant. He has recommended ICSI. So in 6-12 months time if we have not fallen pregnant we will be paying an arm and a leg for ICSI.

Acupuncture

*I will be going into some graphic detail on my monthlies so if your squeamish skip this post*

For the first time since stopping the oral contraceptive pill I have had an almost pain free period. I have been having acupuncture for 2 cycle, my first was my medicated IUI cycle then this cycle. I didn’t notice any difference with my flow, pain or length in the first month, though women on the forum I frequent have said that they find their period is much more painful after a medicated cycle.

This cycle has been an absolute dream 🙂 I have taken pain relief once. Normally I maintain a strict 6hrly drug dose of both ibuprofen and paracetamol with codeine for the first 2.5-3 days. This time I took them only once on day one because I had a morning shift and I thought the pain would intensify as the day went on and I didn’t want to get to work and be in pain. But the pain never really came. Sure I had mild cramps but nothing that I thought warranted taking pain relief.

*starts getting pretty graphic for all the squeamish people*

My flow this cycle is so light. Previously it would be really dark, clotted and heavy. My acupuncturist want’s it to get to the point where it is bright blood, a light-medium flow, no clots and no pain. I think we are one month closer to that goal 🙂 It is a much brighter red less black/red, I had only had small flesh like pieces rather that clots and the only clots I passed where when I got up in the morning and it is likely from overnight and came when I stood. I would describe my day 1/5 as typical of my normal day 3-4/5 so I am extremely happy with the result. I will be starting herbs after my period this month and hopefully they will assist further 🙂

 

Checking in

Prac has me run off my feet at the moment. I always end up mentally drained by the end because I’m constantly learning new things and linking theory to practice. Ugh its exhausting. I cant wait till its second nature and I don’t have to rack my brain for the correct answers. The hospital I’m working in at the moment does things so differently as well, it is my first placement in a private hospital and it is a completely different world to public thats for sure. Its not always good different either.

My period is due tomorrow. I’ve have had much milder PMS this cycle, Im not so stroppy and teary. Ive only had one good cry this time around. I usually get a few PM migraines as well and I only had a mild headache yesterday arvo which was nothing really and it could have just been dehydration because I was in birth suite yesterday and you don’t really get time to drink water. Ive had some mild barely there cramping over the last few days as well. Im booked to see my acupuncturist on thursday morning and I must remember to tell her all of this as its been so much better than the last few months.

I have exams in 4 weeks and I’m freaking out. I’ve been so distracted by the goings on of my uterus this semester that I’ve let a lot of study fall by the wayside. My assessment marks have really reflected this as well. Hopefully I can pull my shit together and scrap through.

I have my FS review for my IUI cycles on Tuesday next week. I don’t know whether to call in sick on prac or try and organise the day off. I haven’t got my roster for that rotation yet and at this rate I will be getting it on the Monday morning when I arrive. So it gives me no time to organise myself at all. Sometimes uni loves to be difficult.

I had the biggest surprise on prac as well this weekend. I helped a women through a tough induction and caught her baby for her, a beautiful little boy 🙂 and when I popped in on my next shift to see how she was getting on she gave me a bottle of Moet champagne as a thank you. I was absolutely shocked at the very unexpected gift. I was so glad that my presence helped her through her and her partner are such lovely people it was a real joy to work with them. It was so nice to hear straight from my patient that she feels I’m going to be a great midwife and she was so thankful to have me there. It had me on cloud 9 all weekend.

How to proceed

A and I have been having very long discussions about how we are to proceed. We are both feeling like we are stuck, wanting to move forward but not sure which path to take. We are both really young in the IF game I’m only 24 and A is only 27, but I’m not sure if being young will help or hinder us. I don’t want to become falsely secure that we have time when we may not. We have been shifting a lot of our plans onto the back burner as we keep thinking that this month will be the month we conceive our miracle but unfortunately it just doesn’t happen.

As I come closer to graduation I have to make some very big decisions, I have to decide whether I apply for a local grad program or look into regional programs. If I stay local I can continue with our FS and look into IVF. If I choose regional I am putting off further treatment indefinitely. I don’t want to move away from the city only to turn around and move back 12months later. If we move it will be for a minimum of 3 years I’d say. Which will put me in my 30’s. I wanted to have finished family by then not be barely starting. If it’s hard now in my 20’s won’t it only be harder in my 30’s.

But I don’t want to look back on this all and see everything I’ve pushed aside and regret not doing anything because I have put all of my time, energy and finances into trying to have a baby. Only for it not to have worked and I have nothing to show for it but a broken heart and a big pile of debt. But then on the exact opposite what if it doesn’t take years what if all we need is one round of IVF, where do we draw the line. I know we can continue as we are, living our lives whilst still having unprotected intercourse. But I have endometriosis which means every failed month I have to suffer through the pain. Whilst I was taking OCP’s I didn’t have period pain.

I can’t see my life without children. I’m sure A and I would be happy, we have lots of hobbies that keep us happy. But I’m not there yet. I don’t want to be. I want to plan my babies nursery, I want to raise my child into an amazing adult, I want to watch them graduate, meet the love of their life, get married and have their own family. Why does it have to be so hard, this fundamental act of procreation that my body was designed to do. I just want it to work.

Another announcement

I thought after my big revelation the other day (that I’m still young, I have time and we can delay further treatment until after I’ve finished Uni) that getting announcements would be easier.

A after work yesterday.

A: “I was told something today at work and It doesn’t really affect me but I think I should tell you but I don’t want you to be upset…”
Cue alarm bells to ringing in my brain. Who is pregnant was my instant thought.

Me: “ok… (Insert suspicious face) what is it??”

A: “you know co-worker A, well his wife is 12 weeks, they had their scan today and he announced it at work”
 I think I’m going to vomit at this point.

Me: “ok” tears start to build in my eyes, my throat constricts.

A: “don’t be upset, I’m sorry I know it sucks. I knew they were trying co-worker A told me in Jan they we going to try for a second baby”

Me: “so they fell pregnant their first cycle off the pill” the water work start really flowing now.

It takes me a few minutes but I pull my shit together. I’m trying to be nice so I say, “ok that’s good for them.”

A: “yeah it is but co-worker A was saying he was a bit disappointed it happened so quick because they wouldn’t be covered by their health insurance yet”
Are you fucking kidding me!!!!

Me: (insert sarcastic tone) “Oh how unfortunate for them their insurance won’t cover their Ob. Well our insurance barely covers our fertility treatment.”

Why the fuck are they going private anyway, I’m a midwife if you are low risk, I don’t see the point in paying through the nose for a doctor who will only be there for the last 5min of your labour then send a giant bill. When the hospitals midwife does all the hard work. Even when your high risk you will be referred to the City’s public tertiary maternity hospital anyway.

A: “Jess… Why are you being so mean about it. You should be happy for them. They deserve a baby. You should just suck it up.”

Me: “What don’t we deserve a baby. How can you not get it you of all people should understand why I feel this way! They aren’t my friends they are just people who have what I want, so I hate them for it.”

I don’t think I should have to suck up how I feel. I do that at work I’m not doing it at home. After some further discussion I think A understood where I was coming from. But I was so shocked that he wanted me to suck it up. We haven’t spoken about it yet and I think we have just agreed to disagree.

Damn the fertile people.