Feeling blue

Im feeling blue tonight. Literally 30mins ago I was pretty stoked that I was finally understanding intracranial pressures and stuff and now I’m blue because I remembered my cousins wife is pregnant and Im not.

I wouldn’t wish infertility onto my worst enemy seriously. Though I do wish people could understand how it makes me feel. The longer I go without getting pregnant the more scared I get. I haven’t even had a feeling that maybe I was in over a year. What if all my insides are fucked and it will never happen.

There is a stupid ad on foxtel that mentions weird childless people. How long/how old are u before you fit into that category. What about the people who aren’t childless by choice. Why don’t people automatically think someone may be childless because they have gimpy insides that don’t work rather than they decided to not have kids and that is judged as weird?

Its starting baffle me why people thinks it ok to ask about our genitals. I am guilty of the aforementioned but I’ve realised how fucking rude it is and how it could possibly cause an anxiety reaction in that person. When someone asks me and I’ve yet to categorise them into a know or not know group I get full on racing heart, sweaty palms and facial flushing because I’m on a spot as to whether to say or not and I hate lying to people. What if the woman I ask like us they has been trying and has not yet succeeded and it makes them feel blue late on saturday nights or what if they lost a child.

Brain dump… sorry

Head in uterus

Turns out I have spent too much of this semester with my head in my uterus. Im trying to study for my exams and I just cant understand the concepts that I’m meant to know. I wish my stupid uterus would co-operate and give me what I want instead of sucking all of my focus for no gain…

Im dipping back into the bitter and barren head space again. I thought I had got out of it but turns out it was just hiding, waiting for me to get really stressed out before it reared itself again. Now Im trying to move on, but I don’t want to move on and A has pretty much moved on or at least he is talking like he has. The only thing I have to look forward to is my international midwifery placement next year.

I’ve just read back through this post and its a mess, it reflects my brain at the moment.

Untitled

A beautiful poem posted by one of the ladies on the message board I frequent..

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday
Hold a baby that’s ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Kick his kid a football.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we’ll hold.

Unexplained

Woo hoo we have just been labeled with unexplained infertility. $100 to be told that according to their tests nothing was wrong in our IUI cycles it just didn’t happen and seeing as I had surgery and the endo was removed there is no explanation as to why we are not falling pregnant. He has recommended ICSI. So in 6-12 months time if we have not fallen pregnant we will be paying an arm and a leg for ICSI.

Acupuncture

*I will be going into some graphic detail on my monthlies so if your squeamish skip this post*

For the first time since stopping the oral contraceptive pill I have had an almost pain free period. I have been having acupuncture for 2 cycle, my first was my medicated IUI cycle then this cycle. I didn’t notice any difference with my flow, pain or length in the first month, though women on the forum I frequent have said that they find their period is much more painful after a medicated cycle.

This cycle has been an absolute dream 🙂 I have taken pain relief once. Normally I maintain a strict 6hrly drug dose of both ibuprofen and paracetamol with codeine for the first 2.5-3 days. This time I took them only once on day one because I had a morning shift and I thought the pain would intensify as the day went on and I didn’t want to get to work and be in pain. But the pain never really came. Sure I had mild cramps but nothing that I thought warranted taking pain relief.

*starts getting pretty graphic for all the squeamish people*

My flow this cycle is so light. Previously it would be really dark, clotted and heavy. My acupuncturist want’s it to get to the point where it is bright blood, a light-medium flow, no clots and no pain. I think we are one month closer to that goal 🙂 It is a much brighter red less black/red, I had only had small flesh like pieces rather that clots and the only clots I passed where when I got up in the morning and it is likely from overnight and came when I stood. I would describe my day 1/5 as typical of my normal day 3-4/5 so I am extremely happy with the result. I will be starting herbs after my period this month and hopefully they will assist further 🙂

 

Checking in

Prac has me run off my feet at the moment. I always end up mentally drained by the end because I’m constantly learning new things and linking theory to practice. Ugh its exhausting. I cant wait till its second nature and I don’t have to rack my brain for the correct answers. The hospital I’m working in at the moment does things so differently as well, it is my first placement in a private hospital and it is a completely different world to public thats for sure. Its not always good different either.

My period is due tomorrow. I’ve have had much milder PMS this cycle, Im not so stroppy and teary. Ive only had one good cry this time around. I usually get a few PM migraines as well and I only had a mild headache yesterday arvo which was nothing really and it could have just been dehydration because I was in birth suite yesterday and you don’t really get time to drink water. Ive had some mild barely there cramping over the last few days as well. Im booked to see my acupuncturist on thursday morning and I must remember to tell her all of this as its been so much better than the last few months.

I have exams in 4 weeks and I’m freaking out. I’ve been so distracted by the goings on of my uterus this semester that I’ve let a lot of study fall by the wayside. My assessment marks have really reflected this as well. Hopefully I can pull my shit together and scrap through.

I have my FS review for my IUI cycles on Tuesday next week. I don’t know whether to call in sick on prac or try and organise the day off. I haven’t got my roster for that rotation yet and at this rate I will be getting it on the Monday morning when I arrive. So it gives me no time to organise myself at all. Sometimes uni loves to be difficult.

I had the biggest surprise on prac as well this weekend. I helped a women through a tough induction and caught her baby for her, a beautiful little boy 🙂 and when I popped in on my next shift to see how she was getting on she gave me a bottle of Moet champagne as a thank you. I was absolutely shocked at the very unexpected gift. I was so glad that my presence helped her through her and her partner are such lovely people it was a real joy to work with them. It was so nice to hear straight from my patient that she feels I’m going to be a great midwife and she was so thankful to have me there. It had me on cloud 9 all weekend.